Mannerific

We received this manners question today:

I just read in Emily Post that if a female invitee doesn’t have a beau, than I shouldn’t go “and guest” because that may possibly make her feel bad.  I had never heard of that until now…  What say you?

Dear Reader,

You are correct, but the rule applies to both female and male invitees. The thinking is that you should address everyone you’re inviting by name. This means calling to find out whether significant others exist, and finding out their names. It can be an arduous task for a long guest list, so feel free to ask for help from relatives and friends who can hunt this information down. Also, Facebook and myspace can come in handy in checking both relationship status and name spelling.

Mannerific offers this list of suggestions to create a pleasant dining experience for all:

• Please remember your server is a person.  This person might make a mistake.  This person has feelings. Treat the server with respect and consideration.

• You are not your server’s only table. Particularly at busy times, he may have four or five other tables who also need his attention.

• Do not snap your fingers at your server or touch your server. The polite way to get your server’s attention is to make eye contact, or to say, “Excuse me, please.”

• Please don’t forget to say, “please” when making a request, and “thank you” when your server brings you food, drink, utensils or anything else you have requested.

• Make up your mind.  If the server comes to take your order and you don’t know, tell her you need more time.  Don’t make her stand there. This is a waste of her time and unfair when she has other tables waiting for her.

• Don’t keep springing one more thing on the server.  Ask for everything all at once.  Servers put on many miles during a shift and get quite footsore, and it’s not nice to make them do laps to the kitchen for single items.

• Please try not to make a huge mess.  If you want crackers for the baby, fine, but try to minimize the debris on the floor.

• If you are using a coupon or gift certificate or special, please tip based on the original amount of the bill. The service you were provided is not any less simply because you have a way of reducing the total.

• Be aware that if a place is very busy, you may not get perfect service.  This is not an excuse to stiff the server on the tip.

• Do not park at a table for hours.  Servers are expected to turn those tables in a reasonable amount of time.  While you sit there drinking cup after cup of coffee or asking for endless free soda refills, other tables are going to a different server’s section.  If you do linger, tip accordingly.

Thanks to HelenT70 of the Miss Manners Board for help compiling this list. Watch this space for tips on how to be a polite server.

As weddings balloon disproportionately to budgets, the cash bar has become a sticky etiquette issue.

The traditional and still widely-held view is that you should host the party you can afford. You provide the guests with all refreshments, and do not ask them to purchase their own. This does not mean you must provide an open bar for every minute of the reception; far from it. If you can only afford table wine and some coolers of beer, then that’s what you provide.

If your venue allows, it is often much cheaper for you to hire your own bartender (a friend with a bartending license, for example) and buy the alcohol you can afford ahead of time. When it runs out, the bar closes. That way you’re in control of the bar budget, but can still provide your guests with a choice of alcoholic beverages.

Depending on where you live, cash bars may have become pretty normal for weddings. In certain regions people may even expect to have to pay for drinks at a wedding. If you’re not sure whether you live in one such region, think back to the weddings you’ve attended and how they were set up, or ask your friends and coworkers if they’ve been to weddings with a cash bar. You’ll probably get a good idea of how acceptable it may be from their reactions.

For the record, on this one, Mannerific subscribes to the traditional view. Your guests should not have to crack their wallets at your party.

We started this site as a place for all things etiquette, from the proper placement of cutlery to the mannerly way to respond to insane email forwards. We recognize that etiquette evolves, so we endeavor to provide both the traditional and the generally-accepted rules for impeccable behavior.

Our upcoming posts will include:

• Answers to commonly asked etiquette questions, such as the cash bar dilemma at weddings and whether you can go kids-free on your big day

• Thank-you note templates and advice for writing the perfect letter

• Obscure, outdated and just plain hilarious etiquette rules (Did you know you should never stand upon the hearth rug with your back to the fire, either in a friend’s house or your own?)

• Modern etiquette, for cell phone and iPod use, plus the netiquette for Facebook, myspace and email

• Etiquette stories from the news

• Regional and cultural differences in manners (Where would it be considered rude to have a potluck? Where should you never ask a guest to remove their shoes? Where should a guest always remove their shoes?)

• Polite response to rude or just plain inappropriate questions

• For the etiquettely challenged, a list of questions one should never ask

• Explanations of dress codes for various events (Black tie optional? Are Informal and Semi-Casual the same?)

• Some instructive yet hair-raising tales of rudeness: how not to behave in public

• Lastly, you are of course welcome to submit your own etiquette dilemmas, and we’ll provide a polite solution

We’re delighted you stopped by, and we hope to see you again soon!